Life or Death?

Warning:  The following post may be triggering to some.  It contains a discussion of suicidal thoughts.

I have a decision to make.  Do I live or do I die?

I am so sick and tired of being depressed. I don’t remember ever feeling-well, not depressed. So do I keep trying; giving it my all, or do I kill myself? This might soundlike a strange question. Basically, I have to decide whether or not life is worth living.

Because living in this in-between state that I exist in is torture. Existing without thriving is torture. Just surviving is not enough. Either I keep trying, and try every little thing I can possibly think of to get better and make something of my life, or I give up completely and end things.

Damnit, I suck with words.  I don’t think any of this truely captures what I am thinking, or how I feel right now. This is why I think therapy has been so ineffective for me. I have trouble processing my own thoughts, let alone being able to translate them into something another person could understand.  I’m only just beginning to understand myself.  And I’m not liking the person I see in the mirror.

I am selfish.  Petty and childish. Is it me or is it the worst of the Asperger’s? I don’t feel that I truely began to make procress in my recovery until after my diagnosis. Too bad it didn’t happen until just a few years ago. By then I had made so many mistakes that I began to feel that my life was unsalvagable.

Can it be saved? Is it worth saving?  I don’t know.  But I feel like I have to figure it out soon, or I’ll lose my mind.

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5 thoughts on “Life or Death?

      1. dearest, that is all we can do. I am often where you are in some ways, though I know we’re all different. Hang in there. There are others going through it and you are NOT alone. Big hug

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  1. There’s a story very near to my heart that posits “your life does not exist for you alone. Even if you sacrifice yourself to defeat your enemy, the people who love you will never find true happiness.” But platitudes aside, you’ll never get to see things change for the better if you check out now. Stick around, and see what happens!

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