Left behind

It’s hard to watch all my friends and family moving on and having lives.  Getting married, working, having children, etc.  I feel stuck, and sometimes I feel as if I am moving backwards.  I am 35.  Single.  Jobless.  I may have friends and family, but I very rarely get to see them in person.  My social life takes place almost entirely online.  This doesn’t help me practice my people skills enough to get help with my ever present social anxiety.  Which would help me find and keep a job.

If I hear my therapist tell me one more time that I can do anything, that I can have any job I want, that maybe I should go back to school (since that’s the last time I was even the slightest bit happy and engaged in life),  I will scream!  I’m $14,000 in debt from my first attempt at college.  I can’t afford to do this again!  I’m 35, but I feel 53.  Or older.

I feel abandoned by society, as if it has no use for me anymore.  As if to others, I am not worth anything at all.  Not worth their time, their money, their kindness, or their respect.  I see people talking about treating the disabled with dignity, and fundraising for various causes relating to Autism and mental illness, yet these same friends and family ignore me.  Me.  I have Autism, I have a mental illness; charity could start here!  I am very poor at reading social cues, so just invite me out and pretend you are interested in spending time with me.  I probably won’t know that you are lying, and that you can’t wait to get home!

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